Friends and Family -

Paul has had a rough week. About ten days ago he began fainting and having seizures. His speaking has become strained and his breathing very difficult - especially at night. Wednesday new scans were taken. Saturday we took him to the hospital as his breathing had become very constricted. A specialist was brought in to meet with Paul and I in the respiratory ICU. We anticipated they would need to surgically place a trach tube - something we had discussed previously with doctors and knew would be needed at some point.

Having not received the results yet from the scans that were taken earlier in the week we were not aware of the progression of the cancer after chemo treatments. We only knew we were seeing new problems surface.

Sadly, new tumors have grown - resistant to the chemo. They are now affecting Paul's vocal cords, airway in throat and creating the seizure activity in his brain. The specialist shared with us that if Paul chose to do the trach surgery it would be problematic at this stage; he would be in the ICU perhaps indefinately with no promise of speaking again as his voice box is quickly being lost to the cancer. In addition the seizures would continue - and with other ramifications. We were told the natural process of the cancer would only give Paul a matter of days.

The doctors believe his breathing will become more and more restricted, he will become more and more tired, and will quietly meet his Savior in his sleep.

With family surrounding us in the ICU on Saturday night, Paul chose to come home to spend his last days peaceful and able to visit. We are so very very sad.

We thank God for the promise of eternity in a place with no more pain. There are no words to express our loss and what we are trying to process as a family. Please pray with us that this is a loving, tender process.

Tiffany

The Prince And The Princess

Headlines of the same week cover the loss of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. Two celebrities - very different in their talents and very different in the mark they leave. One seemed so blessed with talent and skill, yet lived out a peculiar isolated lifestyle - the other read like an open book, a familiar friendly face, sharing her faith and courage in her greatest battle. The world has lost two amazing people.

It's an interesting thing to try and sum up the influence of one life. An interesting thing to see the flood of photos over the years, the roles played, and the friends made. One knew she was leaving this life. The other was completely unaware.

Live as if you know - live like life is temporary - because this life really is. We all leave a mark on the world. What will your mark be? How will people remember you? It's not a corny trite saying friend. You get to choose your mark on the world. Really. Everyone chooses.

Live . . . on purpose. At the end of the day . . . it will matter.

Growing Old Separate

Sometimes I see them at Walgreens buying cough drops. Or driving together; both seated low in their seats, eyes fixed on the road. Sometimes I see them at the hospital; waiting at the doctor's office holding hands. Together. A man and a woman . . . a couple . . . growing old together.

As I look over at my husband Paul seated at the clinic, IV in his arm delivering chemotherapy, I realize we are growing old separate.

Only two years ago he was throwing our children over his shoulder, hoisting large boulders into place on the jobsite, and doing vigorous bench presses daily in our home gym. We exercised together, danced together and planned our lives together. Today everything is different.

We joke about the physical changes - and weep at them in less funny moments. It grieves us both to see . . . his body is tired and weak. It's like a time machine making him older quickly - and it's accelorated - but not me. A sad turn in the life you plan together . . . growing old separate.

Now I look at couples - elderly couples - and I think how lucky they are. To grow old together - at the same speed - on the same path. You can miss it because it is so incremental. What a blessed privelege . . . to grow old . . . TOGETHER.

God Thank You For The Village

I've always heard the saying, "It takes a village". A trite statement that seems like a blanket response - just words - blah, blah, blah. Today I am thanking God for that village.

As a mom of five precious children, I see clearly where my energy, my wisdom and my influence ends. I see how limited is my influence right now given my main priority of taking care of Paul. I see how much is left undone with my kids - and I also see where grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, our church family, and friends are stepping in to support the needs of those children who are so important to me. Other adults are speaking peace and truth into the lives of my children at a time when I feel so lacking.

And in the life of my husband - to see a gift so significant to him - the completion of his replica 65' Cobra - there was yet another village. A village of excited, tool-turning, macho angels that banded together to assess, strategize and complete this massive project.

Every day now Paul and I see signs of his body changing in the way of the cancer. It is shocking and desperate and cruel. Tears and sobbing come at moments unexpected - dreams ripped away far too soon. Pastors and our church family pray with us and give us spiritual strength.

It takes a village. It takes a village because in situations like this the strength of one or two falls miserably short of being capable to stand. It takes a village because united we are stronger - more powerful, more focused. It takes a village because as a force we are marching - together - as a team.

And as I sit alone in the dark weeping in sadness and grief as my husband struggles through the night . . . I am thanking God for the village. The village reminds me . . . I am never alone. And neither is my sweet husband. God thank you for the village.

For A Time Such As This

The story of Esther. Girl grows up, picked from a slew of others to be groomed into a princess. King meets girl and marries her. New queen from a culture under threat. Her people will be put to death. Queen breaks law and approaches King. Pleads for her people. People saved because of Queen's bravery.

When trouble came to Esther's people she was told (paraphrasing) "you are where you are for a time such as this". Her positioning directly impacted what she was able to do for her people.

Different scenario. It's Sunday morning. We hear the roar of not one, but two 65' Cobra engines outside of our door. The door opens and David Kirkham (and Dave #2) step in. "We heard about your health situation Paul, and we'd like to take you for a ride." Anyone that knows my husband knows he has been working on building a 65' Cobra - his dream car - and has been too sick to work on it for quite some time. Anyone who knows Cobras knows David Kirkham builds some of the most incredible Cobras in the United States - with a factory right here in Utah.

Needless to say, my husband was speechless. We drove side by side down the freeway - he in one Cobra with David Kirkham and I in the other (with Dave #2). Then up the canyon to Sundance and back - grinning all the way - squealing and laughing - taking pictures and soaking up the moment of freedom and life.

Think on Esther. Her path brought her to a position to make a difference in a way no one else could. David Kirkham did not save "a people" - but given the dire circumstances in Paul and I's world right now, he saved the day for my husband with that ride. Because of his positioning, his expertice, his vision, David was able to do something profound - "for a time such as this" - for us it was a ray of hope - a celebrity visit - for David it may have been a simple ride with a stranger who was suffering.

What is God positioning you to do? What arena is God asking you - compelling you to step into - because of work only YOU can do? What lives can you uniquely touch because of the road you've travelled? Trust me - there is a reason. Ask God - "for a time such as this" - where do you want me God? Today I want to stand up for someone. Put me in a position to do that . . . .

Look For The Pony!

Wow. Things have been pretty rough the last two weeks. Paul had a major surgery and then pneumonia. The lack of sleep, the juggling children to and from school while sleeping at the hospital, worrying about Paul's breathing . . . it has been more than a bit desperate times in our household. Hard to get a handle on things when it's been going so cruddy.

My mom has a saying, "When there is a lot of poop and things look really crappy . . . look for the pony. With that much poop there's GOT to be one!"

So, with that enlightened saying on our minds Paul and I have consciously been "looking for the ponies" in our situation. Dinners lovingly made and delivered for our family. People to pick up our kids from school. A new group of angels helping Paul finish his dreamcar. Phone calls, emails and prayers our way from loved ones close and far. A benefit concert planned on Paul's behalf. I'd say that's a lot of ponies!

How about you today friend? What kind of day are you having? A one pony day? A two pony day? Just how much poop is going on in your life right now? Remind yourself there's got to be a pony in all of that. And then look for it. Perhaps today you could choose to be the pony in someone else's cruddy situation riding in on a white steed to save their day?

Life can get pretty dang heavy. Remember . . . count your ponies. There is ALWAYS a pony when there's a truckload of poop!

Cancer Is So Limited

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit

Thank you Annette for reminding me . . . cancer is so limited!